Born weighing 10 lbs. 2 oz. on July 16, 1973--the hottest day that summer, the day the Watergate tapes were revealed; the anniversary of the first nuclear test, the assassination of Czar Nicholas II and his family (no relation), the deaths of Harry Chapin, Mary Todd Lincoln, and Gorgeous George; the publication of The Catcher in the Rye, the onset of Mohammad's pilgrimage from Mecca to Medina (which marks the beginning of the Islamic calendar), Timothy Leary's first use of LSD, and what was to become the anniversary of Saddam Hussein's presidency and the Flight 800 and JFK Jr. plane disasters; the birthday of Mary Baker Eddy, Orville Redenbacher, Shoeless Joe Jackson, Roald Amundsen, Desmond Dekker, Stewart Copeland, Ruben Blades, Barry Sanders, Will Farrell, Phoebe Cates, Corey Feldman, and Spongebob Squarepants (really).
Birth Chart:
Sun in Cancer.
Moon in Aquarius.
Scorpio rising.
Mercury in Cancer.
Venus in Leo.
Mars in Aries.
Jupiter in Aquarius.
Saturn in Gemini.
Uranus in Libra.
Neptune in Sagitarius.
Pluto in Libra.
Early memories include learning to read and drowning in the Pacific Ocean. Have been reading at least a book a week and having bad luck ever since.
At least those who don't know me very well would say I have bad luck, or as they usually put it, "the worst luck in the entire world." Those who don't know me at all might be inclined to think I am rather lucky--I have all my faculties & fingers intact (surprisingly). Those who know me best call myfortune Nick Luck, which usually involves getting into dangerous painful embarrassing situations but escaping with only pain and embarrassment.
I swear my luck is not some karmic debt, but that does little to persuade those who will not fly with me. I may be sinister, but primarily only in the sense that I am left-handed. Gauche in both the left-handed and clumsy, awkward senses. Have drowned, broken many bones, been electrocuted, badly beaten. Nearly died from a 105 fever after an allergic reaction to penicillin after contracting strep throat for about the fifth time in two months. Got hypothermia after getting lost in a wind/rain/sand storm in Sleeping Bear Dunes National Park in Michigan. Have been hit by cars, pushed off trucks, held up at gunpoint three times. Contracted the "worst case" of hemorrhoids the proctologist who performed the hemorrhoidectomy had ever seen after a skiing trip that included an afternoon spent on my ass on the icy slopes and three days in a cabin in the Appalachians in West Virginia during a snowstorm that left over four feet with nine foot drifts that Zach Pollock, Ted Amstutz, Nate "Attitude" Jones, and I had to walk three miles down the mountain through so that we could dig our car out of the snow with CD cases so that we could spend the next seventeen hours in a car because Pennsylvania was closed. I could also mention the many many infections (track gravel, cat bites), concussions (getting off of toilet seats, getting hit on head by falling signs, walking into things), various other illnesses, car accidents, problems I have had with cars, machines, money, women, clowns, but I won't.
Grew up in Perrysburg,
Ohio, one of only two federally designed cities in America,
where I grew more restless, bored, and embittered with each year, at
least after the the inevitable fading of the rosy haze of a childhood
spent with comic books, cartoons, video games, legos, Adventure People
, and Star Wars guys, playing flashlight tag, commando, razor blade
frisbee, gorp, gnat, soccer, 2nd Street football, TV Initials, and
Smear the Queer (sorry, that's what it was called). Played soccer,
wrestled (embarrassingly), ran cross country and track. Was on the Quiz
Bowl team in high school. Was in the Cub Scouts and the Boy Scouts
until I got beaten up one too many times. The rest of the story of my
school days tells itself.
Currently reside in Madison, Wisconsin and teach English at the world-famous University of Wisconsin-Rock County in Janesville, Wisconsin. (Yeah, I hadn't heard of it either, and the only things I knew about Janesville were that that Klan douchebag who broke Geraldo's nose and that Jon Zolidis, some pompous ass I went to college with, were from Janesburg). Before rocking U-Rock, worked at Capital (nee Madison) Newspapers in the advertising department --a la Leopold Bloom, my favorite character in literature (the Homer Simpson of letters) --as writing classified ads makes it much easier to find a better job while getting phttp://professorfreedom.com/miscellany.htmlaid. Have also dug graves, wiped butts, sold gas, washed cars, licked envelopes, written a dictionary for fourth graders, sold books at Barnes and Noble in Toledo, Ohio and at the MoMA in NYC, developed prints, bagged groceries, painted houses, dug trenches, weeded gardens, mowed lawns, washed cars, picked up sticks, sold plasma, packed boxes, worked on Wall Street, tutored ESL students, watched children, moved furniture, peeled shrimp, and scraped blood-soaked sawdust off the floor of a meat locker for a living or beer money.
(Hardly) Vital Statistics:
Full Name (anagrammatically):
Chancellor Shrapnel Fin / Cancer Porn in Half Shell
Height: 6'3" (when standing up straight, which isn't often)
Weight: 845.162 Newtons (do the
math)
Weight on the Moon: 31.54 lbs.
Shoe Size: 11 1/2 - 12
Pants Size: Waist-34/Length-34 (square)
Jacket Size: 42 Long
Shirt Size: 35" sleeve. 17 1/2" collar.
Standard Uniform: Tatterred tattersall shirt, torn and frayed Levi's,
battered wingtips.
Blood Type: O negative (universal donor, baby)
Handedness: Sinister
in Latin, Gauche
in French, both in English
Hair: Darkish, in disarray.
Eyes: Buckeye brown with flecks of Bobcat green, L:20/100 R:20/50
Birthplace: Toledo, Ohio
Almae Matres*: Ohio State, Ohio University, Kenyon College, Perrysburg
High School, Perrysburg Junior High, Frank Elementary
Patron Saints: Thomas Aquinas, Cecilia, Nicholas, Francises* de Sales
& of Assisi
Familiars: crows, mongooses*, foxes, ostriches, otters. *[sic]
Sun Sign: Cancer (Water, Cardinal); Moon Sign: Aquarius; Ascendant:
Scorpio
Chinese Zodiac: Year of the Ox (MCMLXXIII)
Myers-Briggs Personality Type: INFP (introverted, intuitive, feeling,
perceiving)
Heritage: English, German, et al.
Noted Relatives: Isaac Newton, Charles Stewart Parnell
Temperment (Dominant): Melancholic
Alignment: Chaotic Good
Allergies: penicillin, most perfume, pretty much everything else
Estimated
Time of Death: Friday, Dec. 2,
2039
Lucky Numbers: 9, 13, 17, 21, 37,
42
Favorite Colors:
Blue(Navy, Royal,
Yves St. Klein)
Red (Blood, Ruby,
Cherry, Aztec)
Black (Coffee, Night, Pitch)
White (Milk,
Cloud, Moon)
Grey (Sweatshirt,
Static)
Green (Forest,
Hunter)
Purple (Rain)
Nicknames:
Niki-Tiki-Tavi, Nickatick, Brother Nick, Nicky, Nick the Dick, Sigma,
Nickers, Nicker Nelly, Nichabod Crane,
Nickel-ass, Nick Hole Ass, Nick O'Teen, Nick Fit, Nick Fist, Fence,
Dick Wrench, Dick Stench, Stench, Prick Trench,
Rick Jr, The Big Dickmeister, French, Frenchy, French Bread, French
Toast, French Fry, French Kiss, French Tickler, Nick Spanish, Nick the
Greek, Francais, Francois, Dangermouse, Floppy, Tapeworm, Rooster Boy,
Parnell, Parns, Parnellicus, Ringo, Broccoli, Ole Saint Nick, Baby Boy
French, Nick Freedom, Freedom Fry, Frizzle, Professor Freedom,
Σ, Nicholas Parnell French.
Useless Skills:
Rolling tongue and touching it to my nose (though not at the same
time); reciting alphabet backwards, Hamlet's "To be or not to be"
speech, Eliot's "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" as well as other
(shorter) poems by Shakespeare, Cummings, Stevens, Williams, Pound,
Yeats, Larkin, etc., the first sentence of The Prologue to The
Canterbury Tales, and the Introduction and Preamble to The
Declaration of Independence; solving Rubik's Cube in less than three
minutes; swinging all the way around on a swingset (not really);
playing guitar behind my head not much worse than I play it in front of
me; playing a thirteenth on a piano & lighting a match with one
hand (not at the same time).
Brushes with fame:
Talked to Kirk Douglas, Robert Duvall, Mick Jagger, Joan Osborne (whom
I bought a drink), John Waters (who was very nice), the Beastie Boys
(who were not), Tori Amos (from whom I surreptitiously, and almost
certainly illegally, obtained an autograph), Ricki Lake (whom I wished
a happy Mothers' Day), David Caruso, Jim Jarmusch, Jasper Johns,
William Wegman and his dogs,Lee Radziwell (Jackie O's Sister) while
working at the bookstore at The Museum of Modern Art in New York. Got
locked into the Spy Shop on Madison Avenue with Priscilla Presley.
Drank at Milanos on Houston with Kate Moss and Matt Dillon. Shook hands
with Gerald Ford. Got winked at by Fred Schneider on 53rd street. Got
hit on by Allen Ginsberg at Kenyon College. Got my picture taken with
Al Franken. Spent an after-noon with Derek Walcott. Saw Robert DeNiro
& Joe Pesci on 5th Avenue and Jerry Stiller & Anne
Meara on 8th. Met rock gods Stephen Malkmus, Wayne Coyne, Robert
Pollard, Mazzy Star, before, during, or after concerts. Shook hands
& was given stickers by Trent Reznor (ca. 89-90) while dangling
out of a moving car at 75 mph in Detroit, MI. Count Lecy Gorenson, Roseanne's
first Becky, among my dear friends. Know someone whose parents are
best friends with Kevin Bacon's parents, so I guess anyone in the
Hollywood is only about half a dozen phone calls away. I'm no
starfucker, though. They're just people. Most of them. Some of them are
gods. Or zombies.
Things
I've Wanted To Be When I Grow Up:
Farmer, train engineer, veterinarian, Spiderman, cartoonist, writer,
astronomer, astronaut, actor, movie director, critic, physician, chef,
lawyer, teacher, editor, secret agent, President of the United States,
rock star, saffron importer, physicist, homeless person, carpenter,
private investigator, gun runner, game show host, blacksmith, magician,
alchemist, philosopher.
Places I'd Most Like to Visit:
Egypt, Italy, Iceland, Quebec, Istanbul.
Celebrities I've been said to resemble:
Ringo Starr, Ralph Macchio, Ray Romano, Al Pacino, Hugh Grant,Jeff
Goldblum, Michael Imperioli, Bronson Pinchot, Zach Braff,
David Schwimmer, Andy Garcia, that one dude from that one movie.
